Friday, February 17

#٢٢٧: أما لنا؟

لا أدري إن كان هذا هو حقاً ما يتمناه قلبي سرًا أم هو مجرد وهم خلقه عقلي ليهون على نفسه رغبات قلبي الخيالية. إلى متى سيظل ذلك الصراع بين قلبي وعقلي؟ أم هو ليس بصراع؟ 
فقلبي يهوى الطريق الذي اخترتَ أن تمشيه وحدك، وعقلي يُقنعني أنه طريق ليس مناسب لي. كيف لعقلي أن يقرر هذا دون أن يسمح لي أن أختار؟ وكيف أختار إن لم تُتاح لي فرصة الاختبار؟ أما لنا أن نعيش، ولو لأيامًا معدودة، الحياة التي نرسُمها في خيالنا على سبيل التجربة؟

Tuesday, January 31

#٢٢٦: كل شيٍء بميعاد

أُحاولُ جاهدةً أن أُثبت في ذهني تلك الصورة حتى أتذكرها دائما.. تلك الصورة حينما نظرتَ لي نظرةً تخترق روحي فلا تُفسح مجالًا إلا للخجل .. تلك النظرة التي صاحبها إحمرارُ خديك وعيونٌ ثاقبةٌ ومبتسمة ... كم أتمنى لو لم يعتريني الخجل وقتها، حتى أنظر إليك فأسجل تلك اللحظة التي طالما تمنيتها، ولأسمح بحوارٍ بين عيننا لعلي فهِمت ماذا تعني نظرتك .. هل هي نظرة انبهار، أم نظرة فخر، أم نظرة إعجاب؟ .. كيف كنت تراني؟ ماذا كان يدور في ذهنك حينها؟ أَعلَمُ أنها أسئلةٌ لا يُجاب عليها، ولكني لا أبحثُ عن إجابات، بل أتشوقُ لها.

لم أكن بحاجة لمثل هذا النظرة.. فقد أتت في أكثر لحظات خيبة الأمل.. طال انتظاري حتى أدركت أنه يُحالَ الحصول عليها.. تُرى هل هذا هو السبب الذي يَحيلُ بيني وبين ثبات الصورة في ذهني؟ حاولتُ بشتى الطرق أن استرجع هذه اللقطة حتى أراها بوضوح، فلا أستطيع إلا أن أراك بعيدًا.. نعم، كنتَ سعيدًا ولكنك كنت في مكانٍا آخر، لست معي. من الممكن أن تكون قد رأيت نفسك في وجهي، ومن الممكن أيضًا أن أكون النبتة التي زرعتها وهذه كانت اللحظة التي رأيتها تطرح ثمرًا.. يُشرِفُني أن أكون الثمرة، ولكن هذا الشرف لي وحدي. هل هذا هو ما رأيته؟ إعجابي بذاتي؟ هل هذا هو ما كُنت تسعى لفهمه ودراسته؟ كيف تُغَيرُ السعادة الوجوه؟

حينها أدركت أن ما انتظرته لليالٍ طويلة يأتي فقط عندما أكُف عن الانتظار، عندما أُدرك أنني لستُ بحاجة، وأنه كل شيٍء بميعاد.

Monday, January 2

#225: I Have Cleared the Fog

It has been a while since I have last written something over here. But, I have been working on myself.
I have hit the rock bottom, and I came back up as quickly as I can ever do.
Lots of things happened in the past four months. I have been empowered by knowledge, people, love, and friendship. I can finally say that I have succeeded. I promised myself to become better, and I did. I promised myself to forgive her, and I did. And now, me and myself are just invincible. I have cleared the fog. I have made it through my hardships. I have become a totally different person, a totally even better person. Believe it or not, I am currently my best version of myself. This does not mean that there aren't any better, because I am quite sure that I will become a lot better. I am just starting my journey to the top. And whenever I reach a top, I believe there will be another top that I cannot see at the moment.
I came to accept myself, with all its beauties and flaws. I came to understand that my positives are a lot more than my negatives. I came to embrace my drawbacks, because they complete me. I came to understand that mistakes are not actually mistakes, because you do them with sincerity. I came to believe that I am just perfect the way I am and whatever I do. I came to realize that the down moments are there to teach me something. I came to believe that life is worth living.

Can you even imagine that it is me who is writing these positive words?! I thought there was no way out for me. I thought I will be forever dragged into the darkness. I thought no one would held me a hand to help me. Actually, nobody gave me their hand until I have actually asked for it. And I had to ask for it fiercely. Otherwise, I would have just stayed where I was. Simply, it is totally against my perfect soul and pure nature to dwell into the negative. That is why I could not just stay still, and I didn't stop until I climbed all the way up to the peak I have reached now.

Guess what, should I rest?! Never. Because the moment I stop moving is exactly the moment I would roll back down to the lowest point. I will keep climbing up, in my own pace and with my own footsteps.

I will be as honest with you as I am with myself. I fear the moment I'll have to step some steps down. I fear its effect on me. Yet, I am ready for it when it comes, and I will just dance with it. That is another promise to myself that I am sure that I will keep.

May you find your true happiness and peace of mind. May you find love in every place you go. May you always know your worth.

Wish me Allah's blessings. 💗

Tuesday, August 2

#224: Affirmations

I want to write.
I want to write how useless I feel, how insecure, how sad, how fearful, how uncertain, how disappointed, how desperate, how furious, and how angry I am. I want to let it all out. I want these feelings to get resolved, once and for all. I don't want to feel this negativity ever again. 

Yes, I blame you for all of this. I blame you for messing up my life. But, I am confidently taking the full responsibility of fixing myself. I know I am better than you. I am better than my current self. I am better than what I think I am. I just need to see it clearly.

I need to remove that fog you have created trying to take over my feelings. I am sorry I unconsciously gave you such a power. I am sorry I loved you. And I am trying as hell to accept this mistake I made by loving you more than myself. I can't help forgiving myself at the current state, but I am working on it. I am working on it. And I will never ever again give up on myself. I am a lot better. Better than what you think, better than what I think, and even better than whatever and whoever thinks.

#223: Is your heart broken?

Today, I had to go over your name several times, and a song that reminded me of you. Today, I miss you like I don’t know why the hell do I still miss you, or what do I exactly miss about you. I just want to know that you are doing okay. I just want to know if you miss me too, or if your heart is broken because you don’t see me or hear from me. I want to know if your heart is broken, is it?!

Tuesday, July 26

#222: Same Pattern

I'm stuck, again and again and again. And it seems like this is the only place I run to when I feel stuck. Because no one can ever understand how my mind works, not even me. I see myself falling off a cliff and I don't move an inch. I just surrender to the force of free falling. I don't even try to hold onto anything. I see myself in pain, and I don't even think about how I can ease that pain. And I keep complaining that I'm injured and that I need to do something about it, but I do nothing. Days pass, life moves on, and I get hurt again; I fall into another hole. I do exactly the same thing I have always done; nothing. I give up. I lose control. I chose to not help myself. I chose to fall down. I just go to sleep.

Friday, April 22

#221: When it comes to honesty

Hello,

It has a been a while. I don't think you wondered where I am. Anyhow, I'm here, and I am not leaving yet.

I am not good. Just not good at all. And it is new to me to confess when I am not good. I used to fake being capable and strong, but no more faking. You will have to deal with the true me, with its ugliness and beauty; that's if there are any beauties.

I am not at rest, as if nothing is making me feel at home. Like, wherever I go or whatever I do, it feels like I am hiding from something. I can't figure what it is; I can't see it too. What is it that I truly want? Actually, I know the answer. But the answer is not here in this life. So, basically, I can never find what my heart secretly wishes for. At least, I'll keep finding and losing it every now and then.

I am at my weakest point. I hope I never reach any weaker states, because it's devastating. This is what I thought would happen when I surrender to reality, when I stop lying to myself. I stop trying to become better. I have accepted that I can never become the perfection I am imagining, so I stopped even trying to be perfect. As liberating this is, as painful it is to accept.

I just haven't yet reached stability, nor I ever will, I guess. Let's enjoy the randomness of emotions that life thorows at us everyday.

By the way, it's true that when it comes to shitty life problems, even your mother would not agree to carry them for you.

Enjoy while you can.

See you soon, I hope.

Thursday, April 21

#220: This is courageous!

Hi... Miss me?

Nah, I don't think so. But I don't care. I'll stay no matter what.

Have I told you that I believe I have no friends? Well, yes, I do believe so. "How I define friends?", you might ask. I would simply tell you that a friend is someone who I can frankly tell them everything going on my life, and everything going on my mind. I don't care how much the details are, they must know them all. I must know theirs too. I understand that this might not be the true scope of friendship; friendship is something deeper, and wider in the same time. Friendship is a bond that is unbreakable through time, and it lies in a more spacious place than where I put it. 

What?! What am I saying! Did that make sense to you? If it did, then you must be the one.

Okay, amidst all of these feelings of loneliness that I have, and the inability of talking and letting out all that I carry in my chest, there is someone who listens. He doesn't talk much. He doesn't solve my problems. Or even try to. He doesn't help me do anything. He just tells me to have faith and believe that everything happens for a reason. He cares to ask the next day to see if I am still holding up. But again, he doesn't speak much. So I have no idea how he thinks of me. But, for the first time in my life, I actually don't care what he thinks. He has done me good. I'm thankful and full of appreciation. And that is the end of it. I expect no more. Such a relief and a freeing feeling.
I wish he was you. 

Now tell me, can that be friendship? Or this is not it?

Anyhow, what I wanted to say is that my life is bearable when someone who listens like him is around. Otherwise, life feels like hell. That is the first thing you get to know about me.

Talking about that. I hate people who compare their lives to hell. Funny, right! :) They just have no idea how hell is really is, and how much hell is it. The pain is just incomparable.

Talked too much today? Sorry. There are loads of things to tell you about. And I want you to know me for who I really am.

See you soon.

Wednesday, April 20

#219: The first

Hey,
I miss you.

Oh, I’m sorry. But, have we met before?
I don’t know how to start this. See, I have been talking with you in my mind for too long. Now, I don't know if I should consider you a stranger or a dear friend? But I'll just keep on talking for as long as I can. I need you.

I'm at a point in my life where I have lost complete trust in myself. I no longer have faith in me. I don't believe I can change anymore. I have been fighting for too long. So, I will fight no more. I give up. I have changed.

I think those who truly change, don't say that they are changing. It just happens naturally and out of their hands. What do you think? 

Anyhow, I have come to a point of no return. Actually, I don't want to return; I want to just turn to a different path, a better one. 

Too much truth on our first date? I'm sorry, it might have been a bad entry.
I will see you later.

Take care!

Thursday, March 10

#218: Missing

I miss you. That's the naked truth!

But...

There is so much hidden behind these words. There are too many blocks over them. They just can't come to the surface that easily. They can't be. Not after all this progress in diminishing them. 

I don't want to miss you.
I don't want to be missing anymore!


Monday, January 25

#217: I'm hiding

I'm hiding behind my job.
I'm hiding behind my anxieties.
I'm hiding behind my loneliness.
I'm hiding behind my grief.
I am just hiding.
I'm too scared to face the world as it is, with all its beauty and ugliness.
I'm too afraid I won't be happy, so I leave myself stuck in unhappiness.
And I just don't understand why am I hiding?!
Have I been brutally hit on my head?
What am I hiding from? Life?
Why do I scare it that much?
Why do I feel empty whenever I get nothing to do, when I get to be left alone?
Why do I always fail my dreams?
Why do I let people come first before me?
Where is me?
What is me?
Will I stay in this dilemma forever?
Will I ever start taking care of myself and what I need?
Will I ever take that first step?
Will I persist?
Will I ever live the life I keep dreaming?
Will I ever stop dreaming, and actually start doing?

I feel alone. I don't want to be alone, although I might be the one who pushes people away. I seek loneliness. It is becoming my ugly comfort zone. I need to break this. I just don't know how to. I have many barriers, and many mind obstacles to crash before I can let go. Let go my fear, my anxieties, my loneliness. What else do I need to let go? What else do I have that keeps me locked? What has actually happened to me to have all those repressed feelings?

I know I have serious problems. I just can't seem to know how to control them, or how to solve them. They say knowing your problems is halfway to solve them. I am stuck in halfway.

What do I seek? Perfection? Excellence? Happiness?

I need to have some ice cream!

Sunday, October 25

#215: I'm Blind

There has been times when I loved you, and others when I hated you. So, seriously, I can't tell which is true.
I also can't tell if your presence in my life is a positive or a negative thing. Because in a way, no one can support me like you do, and in another way, no one can hurt me like you do. 
I do know that your presence in my life can never be permanent, but tell me, what is in life that is permanent?! Can I be just deceiving myself? But, then again, why can't it be as simple as it is. You are here today, so I'll enjoy that, and when you won't be here tomorrow, I'll live with it. Although I might live in pain, I'll just keep hoping that it will be worthy.
I believe I have lost my mind, and my heart. I believe I have lost myself. But, I am never desperate of finding myself again. I'm such a blind person!

Wednesday, September 2

#214: False Expectations Appear Real (Fear)

Writing helps, right? 

Fear just can't get out of me. I don't understand how have I become a fearful person. My bravery levels are getting low. Is that a normal age progress or something?

Today, I have decided to sit in a cafe alone and have fun working for a while. That is a typical kind of actions that grownups do every now and then. But I was too afraid to go and sit there all by myself! As I was entering the cafe, I was really shaken and too stressed. It took me a while until I managed to gather myself, get cool about it, and enjoy the moments.

Today, as well, a nice friend brought me a beautiful present. The kind of gifts that are so right for you. The gift you have been waiting for so long. And she did it. I do not think I have thanked her enough! I wanted to tell her how much the gesture meant to me, and how beautiful is she for thinking of me in such a truly considerate way. I wanted to tell her that I am blessed to have her as a friend, and that I would never want for our weak friendship to ever die. I wanted to thank her for not giving up on me. I wanted to say that I love her soul.
Had I said any of this? None, I think. I was too afraid to say it that I might look exaggerating! Fear, again! I only thanked her for the sweet present, and left.

And, as everyday, I'm just too afraid I am not worthy enough, or even good enough. I'm afraid I won't make it to the expected success levels.

And what do I do? I just let the fear entrap me until I fall deep down. Epic!

Saturday, August 29

#213: Apples or Apple Pies?

 A friend of mine asked me to write. She thinks I would come up with something inspiring, given my current mood, which I can't really explain now what it is like. So let's see.

First, I owe you an apology. I have been unfair to you lately, because I have let you only see my dark side for so long. Maybe because it is my truer side? 

Anyway, life is so unpredictable, right? You don't always get what you want, when you want, or how you want it. It comes in other forms. It takes you by surprise, and it is up to you if you are ready or not; ready to make the best out of the given opportunity. Like lemonades out of lemons, it's not necessary that you get lemons, you might get apples, then you should know how to make an apple pie, with cinnamon maybe! :)

See, you never know what would happen. You plan, you assume, and you predict, and then a totally different plan happens. God's plan for you. Whether you like it or not, you have to accept that it is the best plan that could ever happen. It doesn't matter if you understand the plan or not, probably you won't. You got to have faith in God, that someday you will understand. That is not easy.

Because, you can wait for one day, one week, one month, or only one year to understand. You always count the days. You count the events that happen to you. And you keep wondering is that it? Is it over? Shouldn't I get an answer by now? Haven't I been believing for so long that miracles should start to appear? But, then again, you got to be more patient and more believing. And you give time some more time. But that is a loop that never ends.

Maybe you should think of another technique. You shouldn't have waited for miracles to happen in the first place. You should have taken your chances and made the best out of them; lemonades and apple pies! So you plan differently, according to the givens, you assume, and you predict. And then your plans fail you, or you fail them! God still has a different plan for you, which you do really believe it is a better plan. You are back to the start.

Okay, so I guess you shouldn't have made any lemonades or pies, you should have liked the lemons and apples as they are. You should have accepted your fate. That way you wouldn't plan, assume, or predict. That way you would live the life chosen for you submissively. You get lemons, you enjoy them as they are. You get apples, you try not to make pies out of them. Apples are healthier, anyway. But, is it right to stop aspiring better situations? Shouldn't we be enhancing ourselves, our lives, and our plans? Should we settle? Or should we fight for more?

The answer is both. You should do both. You should enjoy the lemons as they are, and then you should make some lemonades. Learn to love eating apples, without any modifications, and then learn how to make apple pies, for a nice treat from time to time.
Accept your fate, and aspire for more. Do both. That way you will have plans that tell you what you really want in life, and then you will learn how to live and fight your way through the different unpredictable plans you get. In an advanced level, you will learn how to adjust your own plans to fit the given situations. See? Apple pies out of apples.

That might be the hardest strategy to achieve. The balance is really hard; to be submissive and ambitious at the same time. It might be hard to apply, but it's not hard to believe. It's the only logical way out.

Best of luck. :)

Friday, August 7

#212: SOS

What can I say!
I'd rather live inside my fantasias, than in my real world. I would like to stay asleep for the rest of my life, maybe. Life is just getting more boring to live than ever.

I need help! I know I do. I know there is something wrong with me, and I know how to get it right! Still I do not take any actions. I reached a point where I can't help myself anymore. I need an external force to save me, maybe. I must overcome my ego and shout for help. It is just that I still don't believe that my case is bad, but it is getting worse everyday! I should ask for help! 

So, here I am sending a message to the void, hoping someone has enough courage to break my walls of ego, and offer me the help I need, without thinking of anything in return.

I'm still dreaming. Right?!!

Friday, July 31

#211: It has been a while

It has been three months now. I was not counting, by the way, because I lost track of the day when my misery began. But today I exerted that extra effort to know when it was exactly. Three months of fighting and denying.

I had no idea it would be this hard. I had no idea that without you I'd feel this much of loneliness. I thought I was already over you long ago. And guess what! I dreamed I was chasing you, running to catch you, with bare feet! What a dream! Why in hell would I ever chase you?!

Anyway, your birthday passed, and thank God I managed to pass this day safely. But I still remember it! 

They say writing helps, so I'm writing. And I don't care anymore who would read. This is a step forward.

I'm trying hard to disconnect from the world and get in touch with me. I'm trying not to deny anymore. I'm changing. Yes, the change is out of pain, but that is how people change, right? I'm only trying to control that change and drive it into good, and not evil.

Wish me luck, because I need it. Because I can't lose myself, I don't want to. And it is really really hard to keep hold of yourself when everything around you is falling apart. What hurts me the most, is that no one is here to help me pick up the shattered pieces of myself. But, that is okay. I know that one day I must learn how to depend on no one but me. And this day has come. It is time for some new lessons.

Pray I don't lose myself, pray that I find a better version of myself.

And kindly, don't lose hope in me. Don't go away, no matter how much I push you.

Monday, July 13

#210: Out of Nowhere

Out of nowhere, I miss you! And everything around just can't stop reminding me of you. 

Out of nowhere, I am still hopeful. That one day I'll get the happiness you promised me. Even if it is not you who is going to provide it!

Wednesday, June 17

#209: Give me an axe, please!

I don't want to sleep because I'm not motivated to wake up. Sleeping now means an end for today and a beginning for tomorrow, where I'll go through everything again.
It seems like it doesn't matter how much cheering or motivation I can get, at the end of the day I still can't handle living.
I have no idea why this is happening. Why do I resist? What do I resist? How come life turned out so boring and pointless! Where has the cheerful-me gone? Am I that fake? Till when I'll keep saying that I can't take it anymore? Because that is a lie. By the end, I do take more and more, and life keeps circulating. Something has to change. The circle must be broken. And I'm supposed to be the savior of my life. So I should be the one with the axe and break it. But I can't find any axes, or sicssors actually! Can u see any?!

Friday, June 5

#208: Nonsense

So, I have been looking for you these last days. And I am on the edge. Fortunately, I didn't find you. Because I know you are not the one I should find. 
But I feel desperate! Looks like all the doors that I can enter to run away from you are closed. I keep searching for their keys, but I am just not meant to find them. Maybe it takes time, and I can't wait any longer.
I don't know for how long can I stay stuck. When can I break free from this maze. When can I finally feel enough. I'm not satisfied with myself. And it doesn't matter how much I know that I can change, I don't change. And it is taking forever. I'm just too selfish and greedy. I know! I'm lazy too! And I'm inconsiderate. I'm spoiled!
And lately I don't feel open to talk to anyone as I used to be. And I know I shouldn't post this. Probably I won't. But then again, what difference would it make. Nothing at all, nothing as usual.