Tuesday, December 13

#95: One of the Worst

Here it comes, my let out, the air my mind breathes, my best friend, my guide and mentor, my love, my work, my life and my everything. It's this white page. This white page calls me every night and it asks me: "How was your day?!" "Is there something bothering you?" "You look happy today, oh tell me I can't wait to be happy for you." "Have you learnt anything today?!" "Have you got a story to share?" ... Some nights I answer it, because I'm so desperate to talk. Other nights I ignore its call just because I don't have a suitable answer. And sometimes the answer is so, so long that it'll take days to tell, not just a night. But it still calls me every single night, and it has never given up on me, it's a true and real friend. Sometimes it has things to tell me too -yes it's a two sided relation- things it wants me to learn, and enjoy listening and talking about. It's incredible and amazing.

Tonight is one of those nights where the answer is too long and I'm willing to let out. Because...
I learnt to never trust a stranger. -- That was the main rule any mother tells her child: "Don't talk to strangers." But as I grew up I thought I can figure that out for myself, whether should I trust a stranger or not. I grew up to forget that rule and deal with strangers as if they were friends, after all we are all one and alike, I thought! But wrong I am. We are not the same and we don't come from the same places. I'm sorry stranger, but somehow I blame you for turning my day into one of my worst days. I know I shouldn't blame you. But I really didn't appreciate your interference into my life. I was going on well and experiencing it all by myself and enjoying that. You came along to blew everything up and unfortunately I've let you. And then you disappeared! -- Never trust a stranger!
Well, after all, I'm happy because I was kind of different, I've grown up into a more reasonable lady. Yes I'm still the kid I used my whole life to be, but I'm growing up and acting differently and amazing myself at least. Then my superhero comes along to save me, at least from myself. He comes to tell me that I'm not alone and that he's there, he comes to assure me that my life is a blessing, that he's a blessing for me. I honestly and truly can't imagine my life without my superhero. I don't want to live that life without him, without the superhero in him.
Then, going back to my normal everyday life, I find myself have lost a friend. "Where did I go wrong?! I lost a friend.Yes where did I go wrong and what the hell has happened? I'm hurt, like never before, or just like always actually. Every time I trust someone dearly, giving him/her that place in my heart on top of everyone else, accepting to love unconditionally and just so much. She/he lets go of me, gives up and just flies away and stays away, never saying why or what has gone wrong or maybe acting like we never were close. Don't I deserve an explanation? or just an answer to: "Where did I go wrong?!" -- But I still hope, my faith in you is still inside my heart, that this all is just inside my mind, things that I hallucinate or something. I hope that one day, soon enough, I'll find out that that is all not true.
Too many things that I miss. Too many things that I have, but I don't know that I do. Ignorance is a state I think I'm living in. That's why I won't resist the thought, that maybe I hallucinate and imagine things that aren't there. That's why I find it easy to trust a stranger and then blame him for everything that is wrong in my life. That's why I cling on a superhero to save me. That's why I'm in a mess and trying to befriend a white page.

One of my worst days, yet not the worst of all! =)

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