Monday, January 25

#217: I'm hiding

I'm hiding behind my job.
I'm hiding behind my anxieties.
I'm hiding behind my loneliness.
I'm hiding behind my grief.
I am just hiding.
I'm too scared to face the world as it is, with all its beauty and ugliness.
I'm too afraid I won't be happy, so I leave myself stuck in unhappiness.
And I just don't understand why am I hiding?!
Have I been brutally hit on my head?
What am I hiding from? Life?
Why do I scare it that much?
Why do I feel empty whenever I get nothing to do, when I get to be left alone?
Why do I always fail my dreams?
Why do I let people come first before me?
Where is me?
What is me?
Will I stay in this dilemma forever?
Will I ever start taking care of myself and what I need?
Will I ever take that first step?
Will I persist?
Will I ever live the life I keep dreaming?
Will I ever stop dreaming, and actually start doing?

I feel alone. I don't want to be alone, although I might be the one who pushes people away. I seek loneliness. It is becoming my ugly comfort zone. I need to break this. I just don't know how to. I have many barriers, and many mind obstacles to crash before I can let go. Let go my fear, my anxieties, my loneliness. What else do I need to let go? What else do I have that keeps me locked? What has actually happened to me to have all those repressed feelings?

I know I have serious problems. I just can't seem to know how to control them, or how to solve them. They say knowing your problems is halfway to solve them. I am stuck in halfway.

What do I seek? Perfection? Excellence? Happiness?

I need to have some ice cream!

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