Tuesday, November 21

#233: More Rambles

I am missing, I must confess ...
It is the way my eyes used to glow as I come up with words out of nowhere!
It is the happiness of doing things I thought I couldn’t do.
It’s like I get bored too quickly.
And what if I do really get bored that quickly?! 
It’s the burden of looking for something new; the burden of waiting; the burden of unstability.
And it is like I am getting to get stuck, as I always do.
Have I lost my magic?!
They say I should believe in me; that I am gifted; that I have done things no one before me was able to do. They say he was looking for someone like me for too long; that he is too grateful he finally met me. Me?!
Is it really me? Or is it actually him?
But it isn’t a matter of believing; it’s beyond that. It’s about enjoyment. I don’t function unless I am enjoying, it seems so! And that I have lost. Have I?
Questioning is my way of life. Like I’ll never get certain. And it is true, you know.
Sometimes, I run away from wisdom. It is dull. It has nothing to say. It lacks emotions; those disturbed thoughts that reveal illogical feelings. I understand, emotions are not just that.
Do I really love? Or is it just an unfulfilled want?
There are still places I want to explore. Life just can’t end now. I know I’ll never explore them without getting hurt, all over again, the moment I end up my exploration; the moment I get bored. It’s life, you know!
I need to make a family. Having such a need is my right, but how far shall I go then to claim that right?!
I talk too much?! They say I am an expressive person! Oh, well.. I figured out that communicating with others, on a regular basis, is something that I need, the same way I need air to live. It’s a value that I have killed, before allowing it to even get born.
God!! I still remember how he used to blame me for being a “not talkative” person. Have I changed? Or was I just not discovered yet? Or, he just could not get me right. He has left a great scar inside my heart, I still need to admit that many times more.. until I heal. But, I am on my way, I can feel it.

Stay in peace.
Until we meet again.. 

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